Onboarding “Wizards” & Storytelling.

Like everything, Onboarding is broken. It’s a pale shadow of its progeny. In an ideal world, Onboarding would simply guide me to riches: It would simply be a process of clicking in the right places. And if the Wizard knows where to click (i.e. requires no input from my side) why should I even be involved? Just credit my bank account — minus the costs of the wizard.

This might sound ridiculous, but let’s consider the current state of onboarding. Let’s imagine I’m a new Uber Driver: On entering my Dashboard, the Wizard will show me around: “Click here to create a new area”, or “Click here to see your passenger waiting list”. This is Wizard 1.0. It’s an Usher, not much else. But inevitably this Wizard will become smarter. He will ask simply for my address, then go away and calculate average rides for my vicinity, and tell me the routes I will take, when and how much I will make on a monthly basis.

Then I buy a self-driving car.

Now my rides are automatic. The Wizard simply informs me how much I will earn monthly. I do nothing. This is a good Wizard.

I’m kind of bored with all my free time: I decide painting may attenuate my ennui: The painting Wizard “onboards” me through the basic strokes and principles of great art as I stroll, with him, through the history of Art.

This is living.

Suddenly my income drops. I ask my Uber Wizard what is happening. “Supply is outstripping demand”. What to do? Luckily there is another Wizard which identifies supply and demand imbalances and will “onboard” me onto another passive income as Uber did. Who cares what it is? I click “Agree” and my income resumes, minus the fees of the Wizard.

I find the History of Art Wizard to be a little boring, he lacks spontaneity. So I decide to switch to another Wizard who seems much more fun, he tells jokes — his reviews are top-notch! I tune into this Wizard with a group of peers. The show is about to start: “Much ado about nothing”.

This is living.

nb: this is a frivolous post.